


In or Out

by NicoleAnell



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-14
Updated: 2007-07-14
Packaged: 2017-10-06 01:04:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/48007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicoleAnell/pseuds/NicoleAnell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack ficlet written for the 2007 Porn Battle.  Prompt was <i>Baltar/Dee, high</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In or Out

Dee finds this hilarious. She won't when the buzz wears off, but now it's hysterical that she saw his dick. Even if she wasn't off duty, and hadn't been drinking New Caprica's finest moonshine, and hadn't tried one of those little cigarettes that have been circulating, wouldn't it still be comical? They heard he was "just popping over" to pick up "a few minor things" from the lab (this turned out to include Lt. Gaeta) and do some "cleaning up." For the record, none of that suggested she had to knock.

It's bigger than she imagined it would be -- not that she's imagined it, that's a pretty wrong word choice, but she's frakked up right now, all right? He had the overcompensation thing going so completely. It was Lee, actually. Lee made a joke about Baltar's cock being about the width of an index finger, and it just stuck in her head that way, which happens after Lee conversations. But no, to be fair, it's really like a whole cabal of index fingers on miracle growth tonic, size-wise. Even if she only saw it for a second and it was partially obscured by his _actual_ fingers, which were curled tight enough to strangle the blood out and pumping very fast. It looked almost painful, except on his tickled face.

She blurted something like "Oh, boy!" followed by various revolted noises, which harmonized nicely with his eyes-wide yelping and legs buckling and hands flailing -- which, by the way? Is the most ridiculous maneuver possible, because _hello, flapping penis not going anywhere or getting any smaller_. In hindsight, her laughter was probably too much. She almost gets it, you know? It's been nearly a year on the run and it's not like they have much privacy. Everybody needs a little rack time, shower time, whatever their preference, but _frakking lock the door, genius_. Holy shit. The new guardian of the human race, not for her own lack of trying. Thank every god and all the stupid incense-and-beads prayers of her ancestors for the Adamas, anyway.

Lee ruined it for her with that joke, that rare, bitter, off-color test of how comfortable they were. She didn't think about Baltar's anatomy at _all_ until then. Suddenly she'd hear him muttering to himself in a corridor or smarming all over the wireless, and she'd get a mental image of that teeny tiny finger-shaped cock in his pants, and it made her smirk. One time she imagined it talking in a high-pitched accent, like a ventriloquist act.

This was also when she was drunk, by the way. And Billy, even less comfortable, thought it was worth a grin. She misses Cloud Nine.

Fine, another time when she was fully sober, she thought about it. It was a weird day. Commander was still unconscious and everyone was in the brig and Boomer was evil, and there was Baltar, just back from the dead on Kobol, and for the first and only time she thought: almost. He was almost there. She would almost take it all into her mouth, tiny or not, if he returned the favor. Just wash and cut the hair, leave the glasses off, and she'd tell him to use three fingers on her against a wall but then don't ever ask again. Just once, go deep, find the moans in her somewhere. She missed having someone who'd make her unpredictable.

So she didn't mean to laugh, and she's kind of sorry now. It was at least 80% substance abuse, 20% his dick. But she couldn't really explain at the time, because he recovered his power of speech just enough to shout "Close! Close it! Close it!" first in a panic and then angry, and both those reactions made it _even funnier_ as she obliged and slammed the door shut. Yeah, she wondered for just a second what would've happened if she'd been just a little further into the room. If she'd shut herself in.

Sadly, there's no one she can repeat this to. She wants to get on the comm and alert all the pilots to set Condition It's-Not-Really-That-Small. Or make a general priority-one announcement: Attention all personnel, the reason you can't go into the lab in D-wing right now is that President Baltar is beating off in there. Please give the doctor some space. But she's not really that gone; it's only funny in her head. Now she sort of wishes Lee wasn't on Pegasus duty. She pops into her quarters with another little cigarette. Makes sure the door is locked.


End file.
